It won’t hurt him

“It is really not what you think.”

“I just know it is.”

My husband and I are still in bed. It is a Saturday morning and our two children are sleeping in. This is our Saturday tradition. We, Mayowa and I, are having a suspicion induced conversation that many married people have at least once during their married life. The difference is that right now, as opposed to most cases, I’m the one on trial. Not directly though.

We’re talking about my work colleague, Mark. It doesn’t help matters that Mark and I do a lot of travelling together for work. Mayowa is clearly fuming now. He’s saying he caught Mark openly staring at me twice. The first time was when Mayowa came to see me at the office and the second time, we ran into Mark at a supermarket.

“I even gave him ‘the eye’ the second time and the son of a bitch raised his eyebrow at me. Can you believe that?”

I laugh a little but my mind is going a mile a minute. I have a very good memory. I remember things in details too. One of the reasons why I’m a very valuable employee and a mother that can’t be fooled easily. Now, I’m remembering Mayowa fondling me all of a sudden while we were buying groceries. I was meaning to ask him about that later but I forgot. I didn’t really mind at the time but it all made sense now.

“You’re just making stuff up. Nobody defies ‘the eye’.”

He is giving me a different kind of death stare now because he can tell that I’m making fun of him. I meant the second statement. The children don’t mess with the eye. That is why I’m the cool parent.

“Just don’t go anywhere alone with him, okay? I get that you have to work together but no late dinners at the office or when you travel on business. I know I may seem a little crazy now but just do that for me.”

“None of that, I promise.”

I follow that with a quick peck on his right cheek and struggle to continue with the book I’m reading.

The truth is Mark has made advances towards me. In fact, I’ve asked that he be sent on trips alone. My excuse is that my children need me and my husband is extremely busy. I made it clear that I’ll keep doing my part of the work Mark will take along. Our boss holds me in high esteem so my request was granted, much to my relief. I feel guilty for not telling Mayowa. Especially since he feels this way. At the same time I can’t help but love him more for his reaction. Women logic, I think.

I don’t want to tell him now because he’ll be mad that I didn’t before. I’ll be taking his advice. I guess what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him. Let’s just enjoy the weekend.

Today

image

Today
Not tomorrow
I want to love you
Because I don’t have another day
To hold you so close we are meshed
In spirit and soul but not in body
That you may remember me
Cherish my memories for every but that one togetherness

A week ago
I wrote you a story
Of how I pictured us in my dreams
Graying hairs and wrinkled skin
And very much in love still
That story I have hidden
For you to read only when I am away
Gone, for forever and after

Yesterday
When I was staring at you
You remember?
I was not memorising your face
Because after the morrow there’ll be no remembrance
Of what could have been that was not
I was savouring your plain looks
Wondering how you are capable of such affection

Last month
I saw a wedding dress at a bridal store window display
I went in, tried it on as my heartbeat fastened
Not with trepidation at the impossibility of our future
Just joy that you’ll get to see me yet in one
Oh my delight! In taking a picture
It has been attached to our fake story
Whilst the real one ends with a shocking period

Two nights ago
I made you promise to demand happiness
You thought you’d have me always
You laughed, I winced
Didn’t you see my swollen eyes?
Did our love consume you so?
Or was there someone else?
I won’t know and happily so

To soon be gone
When you’ve had true love
They say it is good enough
I say I don’t know
I have no one to compare notes with
No choice to make
You swore to find joy again, dear one
So I await tomorrow while I savour today.

I’m So Done

If you weep now and for ages to come
Naught will it change
For my own tears are spent
Spent on you who least valued it. Heck you hardly noticed.
You who betrayed my trust time and over; every time worse than the last

“Your unconditional love has opened my eyes,” you proclaim
I say please stay blind for that love is long gone
I’m better now, free of that weight that held me down
That you’d think I could be so stupid again
Tells how little you think of me
It tells me how wise you think I am…… Not wise at all

Do you know how many times I cried to sleep?
Yet another I’d see you with
I even became an excellent liar to those who cared
Enough that I saw them thinking, “Yeah right”
I perfected the act of “stupid in love” but no Oscar, just a numb heart

Once you said, “Twas nothing, babe. I was drunk.”
Well now I’m in a drunken stupor of clarity
My empty bottle should be reduced to shards for giving you scars
To remind you what you allowed slip from your grasp that will be yours, never!
I just hope the scars don’t outgrow the void in your life.
And if they do, take it as my gift to you.
Bridge burnt, you can’t cross no more. Enjoy the cold arduous swim to shore